Has it really been a month?

Jeez, I knew that my mind can meander into unknown territory, but this is just plain lazy. In the past 24 hours I've been choking up with tears for different reasons. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'll try as best as I can to jot what I can. Thought I should make an entry as I've much I want to share. As I'm sure I've said in the past, I tend to write when I'm on a downer. Today's been one of those where all my problems come following another, like a conveyor belt of woe, doom and loneliness.

One thing I am sure of is the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster. Watching yesterday's memorial and minute silence brought a tear or two to the eye, especially when the teams came out to the poignant sounds of a sole bagpipe player with a rendition of 'Man United will never die'.

I realise now that I've to come to terms that I have overwhelming debts hanging over me like the most irksome of albatrosses. If not from the record label, on top of that there's a student loan, credit card and overdraft. In London, if you've no penny to your name, you can't have fun, period.

But I think the biggest reason behind my blues, is a girl I'm longing for. Everywhere I go, something really does remind me of her. Let's say her name is Tessa. Not her real name mind, but I'm not about to expose anyone. Ever since we met in November, there's something about her. I can't quite put my finger on the pulse, but I've tried controlling my feelings for so long, I don't know how long I can go on like this. As I type this, I've a desire that's longing, longing for something to happen between us. But there's a matter of professionalism - potentially we've a bit of business that could arise. Skip that, it already has. It's like that final scene in Amelie - where the old man that never leaves his flat records himself on a video warning Amelie that if the love of her life slips away from her, she'll end up lonesome for the rest of her days. I'm at that crossroad now, and I feel so helpless. I can't eat, I failed my last assignment spectacularly and she's always on my mind. I even tried asking her out for dinner a couple of times - Tessa originally said yes, but didn't work out somehow. What if she secretly mocks me behind my back? The line that I predict will be delivered will be 'I really like you as a friend but nothing more..'. Story of my life. I've even resorted to the point where I'm listening to ballads, thinking of nothing else, but her. Literally. I want to tell her 'Look, I can't get you off my mind, I want you so bad' but I can't get a single second alone with her. And the timing is never right either. Just by facial expressions, I can tell there's something there that she feels for me, or maybe I'm just missing something big? Maybe I'm longing for it so much, that I want to believe it can happen and that she feels the same way. I see her again on Wednesday though, so we shall see what happens. Wish me luck.

There's no such thing as a stable state of equilibrium from where I stand. Only extreme highs or lows. Good and bad days. Black and white. Yin and Yang.

I have an interview to conduct with Anton from the Brian Jonestown Massacre tomorrow via a speaker phone. This definitely has its advantages - just watch the movie 'Dig!' to know what I'm talking about. Then it's the turn of Lovvers. They're people I have a lot of time for, and I'm particularly excited to see what their views of my favourite bands are.

This Friday is the second installment of my club, and we've got a band called Wild Beasts playing. Their frontman Hayden has a warbling falsetto that evokes that of Jeff Buckley. Reminds me a little of Orange Juice and British Sea Power (they hark from the same town) actually. Supporting them is a solo artist called The Train Chronicles - a one man virtuoso, replete with guitar and ukulele. But not simultaneously. He's not exactly Dick Van Dyke here. Think Leadbelly, Tom Waits. Finally, we have The Old Romantic Killer Band. Wild Beasts management insisted that we put them on if the headliners were to play. Had a listen to them and I liked it. A two-piece blues racket that reminded me of Black Keys, only more volatile. Sweet. Should be a good night I reckon. Perhaps I'll make a profit and pay off some debts. Super.