The Cribs - Be Safe
One of those fucking awful black days when nothing is pleasing and everything that happens is an excuse for anger. An outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour. These are the days when I hate the world, hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent, the TV watchers, beer drinkers, the satisfied ones. Because I know I can be all of those little hateful things and then I hate myself for realising that. There's no preventative, directive or safe approach for living. We each know our own fate. We know from our youth how to be treated, how we'll be received, how we shall end. These things don't change. You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents but sooner or later your own self will always catch up. Always it waits in the wings. Ideas swirl but don't stick. They appear but then run off like rain on the windshield. One of those rainy day car rides my head implodes, the atmosphere in this car a mirror of my skull. Wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold. Walls of grey. Nothing good on the radio. Not a thought in my head.
Lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow, frame by frame with two minutes that take ten years to live out. Yeah, lets do that.
Telephone poles like praying mantras against the sky, metal arms outstretched. So much land travelled so little sense made of it. It doesn't mean a thing all this land laid out behind us. I'd like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while. I'm disgusted with petty concerns; parking tickets, breakfast specials. Does someone just have to carry this weight? Abstract typography, methane inconvenience, linear gospel, Nashville sales lady, and torturous lice, mad Elizabeth. Chemotherapy bullshit.
The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail, steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories, movements, the movie unfeeling, unreeling, about to begin.
I've seen your hallway, you're a darn call away, I've hear your stairs creak. I can fix my mind on your yes, and on your no. I'll film you face today in the sparkling canals, all red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection. Racing thoughts, racing thoughts. All too real, you're moving so fast now I cant hold your image. This image I have of your face by the window, me standing beside you arm on your shoulder. A catalogue of images, flashing glimpses then gone again.
Every clear afternoon now I'll picture you up in the air twisting your heel, your knees up around me, my face in your hair. You scream so well, your smile so loud it still rings in my ears.
Imitation. Distant, tired of longing. Clean white teeth. Stay the course. Hold the wheel. Steer on to freedom. Open all the boxes.
Open all the boxes.
Open all the boxes.
Open all the boxes.
Times Square midday: newspaper buildings, news headlines going around, you watch as they go, and hope that some good comes. Those tree shadows in the park they're all whistling chasing leaves. Around six pm, shadows across cobblestones, girl in front of a bathroom mirror she slowly and carefully and paints her face green and mask like. A portrait. A green stripe. Long shot through apartment window, a monologue on top but no girl in shot. The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories, movements. The movie unreeling, about to begin.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Saturday, 24 October 2009
An open letter to the people of the noughties generation
Dear esteemed sirs and madams,
It comes with great displeasure on a Saturday night with the television firmly off, free of Pop Idols/X Factor/Big Brother, that I write this in an uncomfortable, disillusioned and distressed manner. Although if truth be told, I must insist on addressing quite a number of points, which may verge on being borderline rants. But rant I must. Why you may well ask? Because for quite some time now, in fact, for quite a considerable period of time, I have been peering into my very self and the people that make up the fabric of our society and have been quite frankly, displeased and unimpressed with what we, as a collective body have had to settle for and what we self-inflict upon one selves in the last nine or so years, or rather this particular decade.
There's no two ways about it - The "noughties" will be looked back upon as being the decade as perhaps being the beginning of the end in the fabrication of society that (is barely) binding us together. Simply put, the rise of the idiots, the age of the stupid is favorable by many as a badge of honour. In an age where there have been major, pioneering advances and breakthroughs in the fields of technology and science, it has been significantly and indelibly marked with many negatives. Whether it's the drinking/booze culture, the pre-packaged conveyor belt of talentless fame-hungry, self-obsessed Z listers of reality television or the publics distrust in the authorities/bigwigs/those at the top of the tree. Oh yeah, and the worst global recession we've had in decades.
The last thing I set out to do writing this is to cry Hail Marys or preach my beliefs and stances. Nor is this a self-serving or never ending pursuit for being what's perceived as being ''perfect'' as a person. But rather, it's a sound piece of advice on how we, as a global village can strive and make better use of our (mostly) ungrateful selves and waste away the general feeling of apathy. The worst thing we can do in life is do nothing and just expect someone else to pick up the pieces for us. Otherwise, the outcome can potentially bring out serious consequences - I point you toward the direction of the British National Party and Nazism as a prime example. History has shown that a society's aloofness can give way to a rise of idealisms, which in turn prey upon those susceptible to opinion. Hitler's rise to power and tirade of hate mongering came as a result of indifference in the German public shortly after World War One when Germany was in dire straits. Those types take full advantage of adversity and put a spin on blaming certain pockets/minorities for the mire they're stuck in. With Nazism, it was inherently and predominantly the Jews who were persecuted throughout Hitler's reign. But more to my point, as we've seen with Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time fanning the flames of his brand of hate amongst the masses, if we don't do away with indifference and carelessness that's so prevalent in our world, then a heavy penalty will ensue. The biggest tragedy of all, would be that we saw it coming right before our very eyes.
And as for the obsession with the concept of celebrity, one would hope that it's a bubble that should have been burst a long, long time ago. A word to Lady Gaga - is your music that vile that you must insist parading around (not) wearing precious little for the cameras? Some of us are trying to keep warm here. In all seriousness, yes - sex sells. It's a part and parcel, supply-and-demand et al. But the question I pose is this - how much is too much? We have seen for ourselves the rise and eventual fall of Big Brother. A show demonstrating how a singular being can live with others under constant surveillance with nowhere to run and no damn place to hide either. The notion of that premise was well and truly shattered as it shortly became a golden ticket to guaranteed super-stardom. With the exception of the late Jade Goody, can you name with the fingers of one hand how many have had a long-lasting and sustainable career post-BB? Thought not. Since Channel 4's foray into George Orwell's aptly named programme, it's opened the floodgates and given any simpleton their five minutes of fame. I don't even want to get started on gossip mags ala Heat or Take a Break. One thing I am sure of regarding this matter - that bubble can't burst soon enough.
Now I'm sure that I'm not the first (or most certainly the last) person to write diatribes over the years of 00-09. Neither do I wish to go through all my troubles with Planet Earth at large. The premise of this letter to you all is to make you all realize that things don't have to be like this. They don't have to be dead-end, no hope in hell, monotonous drivel. There is another way. People, it may come as a bolt of lightning jolting through you all but - There are alternatives. There are other paths. There are choices to be made in life and more than you might think. Each and every one of us is very much capable of bettering ourselves. I do believe that it was Leo Tolstoy who once said ''Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.'' Never has that quote resonated with such zeal, relevance and resonance as at this particular environment in 2009. Start with yourselves. Seek and take in knowledge. Form your own opinions, think for yourselves and take a stance for causes you truly believe in.
BECOME A PERSON. BECOME YOUR OWN WORLD. If you build it, they will come.
In conclusion, I hope you've gained something from the above. Granted, it's much to take in and you may not necessarily agree with anything said whatsoever. However, take heed of one thing - Personally, I have spent many hours re-drafting and proofing my rant because I felt it was vital a message came across to everyone. I felt that an impartial, balanced rational voice needed to be heard by those who choose to read this. All of the above is subjective and an opinionated matter - a thing so precious few people seem to display so eloquently. Having a mouth to speak with and a pair of hands to type is a privilege, not a right. I challenge you to take that first step on an arduous and long journey to self-fulfillment. Even Barack Obama/Bob the Builder gives his two cents:
YES WE CAN. If that doesn't encourage you, nothing will.
Throwing down the gauntlet,
Yousif Nur (Aged 25 going on 52)
It comes with great displeasure on a Saturday night with the television firmly off, free of Pop Idols/X Factor/Big Brother, that I write this in an uncomfortable, disillusioned and distressed manner. Although if truth be told, I must insist on addressing quite a number of points, which may verge on being borderline rants. But rant I must. Why you may well ask? Because for quite some time now, in fact, for quite a considerable period of time, I have been peering into my very self and the people that make up the fabric of our society and have been quite frankly, displeased and unimpressed with what we, as a collective body have had to settle for and what we self-inflict upon one selves in the last nine or so years, or rather this particular decade.
There's no two ways about it - The "noughties" will be looked back upon as being the decade as perhaps being the beginning of the end in the fabrication of society that (is barely) binding us together. Simply put, the rise of the idiots, the age of the stupid is favorable by many as a badge of honour. In an age where there have been major, pioneering advances and breakthroughs in the fields of technology and science, it has been significantly and indelibly marked with many negatives. Whether it's the drinking/booze culture, the pre-packaged conveyor belt of talentless fame-hungry, self-obsessed Z listers of reality television or the publics distrust in the authorities/bigwigs/those at the top of the tree. Oh yeah, and the worst global recession we've had in decades.
The last thing I set out to do writing this is to cry Hail Marys or preach my beliefs and stances. Nor is this a self-serving or never ending pursuit for being what's perceived as being ''perfect'' as a person. But rather, it's a sound piece of advice on how we, as a global village can strive and make better use of our (mostly) ungrateful selves and waste away the general feeling of apathy. The worst thing we can do in life is do nothing and just expect someone else to pick up the pieces for us. Otherwise, the outcome can potentially bring out serious consequences - I point you toward the direction of the British National Party and Nazism as a prime example. History has shown that a society's aloofness can give way to a rise of idealisms, which in turn prey upon those susceptible to opinion. Hitler's rise to power and tirade of hate mongering came as a result of indifference in the German public shortly after World War One when Germany was in dire straits. Those types take full advantage of adversity and put a spin on blaming certain pockets/minorities for the mire they're stuck in. With Nazism, it was inherently and predominantly the Jews who were persecuted throughout Hitler's reign. But more to my point, as we've seen with Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time fanning the flames of his brand of hate amongst the masses, if we don't do away with indifference and carelessness that's so prevalent in our world, then a heavy penalty will ensue. The biggest tragedy of all, would be that we saw it coming right before our very eyes.
And as for the obsession with the concept of celebrity, one would hope that it's a bubble that should have been burst a long, long time ago. A word to Lady Gaga - is your music that vile that you must insist parading around (not) wearing precious little for the cameras? Some of us are trying to keep warm here. In all seriousness, yes - sex sells. It's a part and parcel, supply-and-demand et al. But the question I pose is this - how much is too much? We have seen for ourselves the rise and eventual fall of Big Brother. A show demonstrating how a singular being can live with others under constant surveillance with nowhere to run and no damn place to hide either. The notion of that premise was well and truly shattered as it shortly became a golden ticket to guaranteed super-stardom. With the exception of the late Jade Goody, can you name with the fingers of one hand how many have had a long-lasting and sustainable career post-BB? Thought not. Since Channel 4's foray into George Orwell's aptly named programme, it's opened the floodgates and given any simpleton their five minutes of fame. I don't even want to get started on gossip mags ala Heat or Take a Break. One thing I am sure of regarding this matter - that bubble can't burst soon enough.
Now I'm sure that I'm not the first (or most certainly the last) person to write diatribes over the years of 00-09. Neither do I wish to go through all my troubles with Planet Earth at large. The premise of this letter to you all is to make you all realize that things don't have to be like this. They don't have to be dead-end, no hope in hell, monotonous drivel. There is another way. People, it may come as a bolt of lightning jolting through you all but - There are alternatives. There are other paths. There are choices to be made in life and more than you might think. Each and every one of us is very much capable of bettering ourselves. I do believe that it was Leo Tolstoy who once said ''Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.'' Never has that quote resonated with such zeal, relevance and resonance as at this particular environment in 2009. Start with yourselves. Seek and take in knowledge. Form your own opinions, think for yourselves and take a stance for causes you truly believe in.
BECOME A PERSON. BECOME YOUR OWN WORLD. If you build it, they will come.
In conclusion, I hope you've gained something from the above. Granted, it's much to take in and you may not necessarily agree with anything said whatsoever. However, take heed of one thing - Personally, I have spent many hours re-drafting and proofing my rant because I felt it was vital a message came across to everyone. I felt that an impartial, balanced rational voice needed to be heard by those who choose to read this. All of the above is subjective and an opinionated matter - a thing so precious few people seem to display so eloquently. Having a mouth to speak with and a pair of hands to type is a privilege, not a right. I challenge you to take that first step on an arduous and long journey to self-fulfillment. Even Barack Obama/Bob the Builder gives his two cents:
YES WE CAN. If that doesn't encourage you, nothing will.
Throwing down the gauntlet,
Yousif Nur (Aged 25 going on 52)
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Yousif Nur and the pains of being pure at heart..
I'm back..
And am I here to stay? Who knows. A lot's happened, but then not much has happened this past year. If truth be told, I only ever really visit my own blog page to compare myself then to now, as though I were a before and after outcome on some washing powder ad.
I'm still relatively unsure as to why I'm writing up this up, as I feel it's somewhere to let out all my frustrations, thoughts and such jazz. Problem is, I'm not quite sure what it is I'm venting at. Everything and nothing.
It's just one of those days where I want a change in my life, a new outlook, a different path off the supposed beaten track that's been laid out for me. Skip that, because if there was a beaten track in the first place I must've walked right off course quite some time ago.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
And am I here to stay? Who knows. A lot's happened, but then not much has happened this past year. If truth be told, I only ever really visit my own blog page to compare myself then to now, as though I were a before and after outcome on some washing powder ad.
I'm still relatively unsure as to why I'm writing up this up, as I feel it's somewhere to let out all my frustrations, thoughts and such jazz. Problem is, I'm not quite sure what it is I'm venting at. Everything and nothing.
It's just one of those days where I want a change in my life, a new outlook, a different path off the supposed beaten track that's been laid out for me. Skip that, because if there was a beaten track in the first place I must've walked right off course quite some time ago.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
Sunday, 24 February 2008
happy thoughts
Have been prominent in my head in the last few days. What a contrast to the week before, bar Friday that is. Last Friday night's edition of Kicker Conspiracy! went all according to plan. Except for the 2 cds I lost whilst DJing. One of which was a cd-r. Despite that little mishap, The night was a sell-out (didn't sell tickets as such, but was as good as in my book), familiar faces from the January night, and many friends and familiar faces. I've even been referenced already from other clubs starting up that they want something like 'Kicker Conspiracy!'. Already!! I think my job here is done. Wicked live and DJ sets too, I just think that I could've made a little bit more on the night in the way of profit. But I guess there's March huh, and already the response has been phenomenal. Lock 'n' load!
Speaking of which, am planning for March, April AND May at present. Even thinking about an all-dayer in the late summer consisting of singer-songwriters. I think it could work. Why not? Ideas above my station? I'm about to take KC! to another level.
As for life closer to home, it's just as eventful but albeit for the wrong reasons. Every morning since forever, my parents are at loggerheads with each other for reasons that seemingly shouldn't matter. To be honest, I don't know why they're still together after all this time. Me and my younger brother at 18 are all grown up and can look after ourselves in the big bad world. I dunno. And it's not like me and my dad see each other eye-to-eye anymore. Or ever did.
More another time. I've got a roast chicken with my name indelibly written on it. Though not literally mind.
Speaking of which, am planning for March, April AND May at present. Even thinking about an all-dayer in the late summer consisting of singer-songwriters. I think it could work. Why not? Ideas above my station? I'm about to take KC! to another level.
As for life closer to home, it's just as eventful but albeit for the wrong reasons. Every morning since forever, my parents are at loggerheads with each other for reasons that seemingly shouldn't matter. To be honest, I don't know why they're still together after all this time. Me and my younger brother at 18 are all grown up and can look after ourselves in the big bad world. I dunno. And it's not like me and my dad see each other eye-to-eye anymore. Or ever did.
More another time. I've got a roast chicken with my name indelibly written on it. Though not literally mind.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Has it really been a month?
Jeez, I knew that my mind can meander into unknown territory, but this is just plain lazy. In the past 24 hours I've been choking up with tears for different reasons. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'll try as best as I can to jot what I can. Thought I should make an entry as I've much I want to share. As I'm sure I've said in the past, I tend to write when I'm on a downer. Today's been one of those where all my problems come following another, like a conveyor belt of woe, doom and loneliness.
One thing I am sure of is the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster. Watching yesterday's memorial and minute silence brought a tear or two to the eye, especially when the teams came out to the poignant sounds of a sole bagpipe player with a rendition of 'Man United will never die'.
I realise now that I've to come to terms that I have overwhelming debts hanging over me like the most irksome of albatrosses. If not from the record label, on top of that there's a student loan, credit card and overdraft. In London, if you've no penny to your name, you can't have fun, period.
But I think the biggest reason behind my blues, is a girl I'm longing for. Everywhere I go, something really does remind me of her. Let's say her name is Tessa. Not her real name mind, but I'm not about to expose anyone. Ever since we met in November, there's something about her. I can't quite put my finger on the pulse, but I've tried controlling my feelings for so long, I don't know how long I can go on like this. As I type this, I've a desire that's longing, longing for something to happen between us. But there's a matter of professionalism - potentially we've a bit of business that could arise. Skip that, it already has. It's like that final scene in Amelie - where the old man that never leaves his flat records himself on a video warning Amelie that if the love of her life slips away from her, she'll end up lonesome for the rest of her days. I'm at that crossroad now, and I feel so helpless. I can't eat, I failed my last assignment spectacularly and she's always on my mind. I even tried asking her out for dinner a couple of times - Tessa originally said yes, but didn't work out somehow. What if she secretly mocks me behind my back? The line that I predict will be delivered will be 'I really like you as a friend but nothing more..'. Story of my life. I've even resorted to the point where I'm listening to ballads, thinking of nothing else, but her. Literally. I want to tell her 'Look, I can't get you off my mind, I want you so bad' but I can't get a single second alone with her. And the timing is never right either. Just by facial expressions, I can tell there's something there that she feels for me, or maybe I'm just missing something big? Maybe I'm longing for it so much, that I want to believe it can happen and that she feels the same way. I see her again on Wednesday though, so we shall see what happens. Wish me luck.
There's no such thing as a stable state of equilibrium from where I stand. Only extreme highs or lows. Good and bad days. Black and white. Yin and Yang.
I have an interview to conduct with Anton from the Brian Jonestown Massacre tomorrow via a speaker phone. This definitely has its advantages - just watch the movie 'Dig!' to know what I'm talking about. Then it's the turn of Lovvers. They're people I have a lot of time for, and I'm particularly excited to see what their views of my favourite bands are.
This Friday is the second installment of my club, and we've got a band called Wild Beasts playing. Their frontman Hayden has a warbling falsetto that evokes that of Jeff Buckley. Reminds me a little of Orange Juice and British Sea Power (they hark from the same town) actually. Supporting them is a solo artist called The Train Chronicles - a one man virtuoso, replete with guitar and ukulele. But not simultaneously. He's not exactly Dick Van Dyke here. Think Leadbelly, Tom Waits. Finally, we have The Old Romantic Killer Band. Wild Beasts management insisted that we put them on if the headliners were to play. Had a listen to them and I liked it. A two-piece blues racket that reminded me of Black Keys, only more volatile. Sweet. Should be a good night I reckon. Perhaps I'll make a profit and pay off some debts. Super.
One thing I am sure of is the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster. Watching yesterday's memorial and minute silence brought a tear or two to the eye, especially when the teams came out to the poignant sounds of a sole bagpipe player with a rendition of 'Man United will never die'.
I realise now that I've to come to terms that I have overwhelming debts hanging over me like the most irksome of albatrosses. If not from the record label, on top of that there's a student loan, credit card and overdraft. In London, if you've no penny to your name, you can't have fun, period.
But I think the biggest reason behind my blues, is a girl I'm longing for. Everywhere I go, something really does remind me of her. Let's say her name is Tessa. Not her real name mind, but I'm not about to expose anyone. Ever since we met in November, there's something about her. I can't quite put my finger on the pulse, but I've tried controlling my feelings for so long, I don't know how long I can go on like this. As I type this, I've a desire that's longing, longing for something to happen between us. But there's a matter of professionalism - potentially we've a bit of business that could arise. Skip that, it already has. It's like that final scene in Amelie - where the old man that never leaves his flat records himself on a video warning Amelie that if the love of her life slips away from her, she'll end up lonesome for the rest of her days. I'm at that crossroad now, and I feel so helpless. I can't eat, I failed my last assignment spectacularly and she's always on my mind. I even tried asking her out for dinner a couple of times - Tessa originally said yes, but didn't work out somehow. What if she secretly mocks me behind my back? The line that I predict will be delivered will be 'I really like you as a friend but nothing more..'. Story of my life. I've even resorted to the point where I'm listening to ballads, thinking of nothing else, but her. Literally. I want to tell her 'Look, I can't get you off my mind, I want you so bad' but I can't get a single second alone with her. And the timing is never right either. Just by facial expressions, I can tell there's something there that she feels for me, or maybe I'm just missing something big? Maybe I'm longing for it so much, that I want to believe it can happen and that she feels the same way. I see her again on Wednesday though, so we shall see what happens. Wish me luck.
There's no such thing as a stable state of equilibrium from where I stand. Only extreme highs or lows. Good and bad days. Black and white. Yin and Yang.
I have an interview to conduct with Anton from the Brian Jonestown Massacre tomorrow via a speaker phone. This definitely has its advantages - just watch the movie 'Dig!' to know what I'm talking about. Then it's the turn of Lovvers. They're people I have a lot of time for, and I'm particularly excited to see what their views of my favourite bands are.
This Friday is the second installment of my club, and we've got a band called Wild Beasts playing. Their frontman Hayden has a warbling falsetto that evokes that of Jeff Buckley. Reminds me a little of Orange Juice and British Sea Power (they hark from the same town) actually. Supporting them is a solo artist called The Train Chronicles - a one man virtuoso, replete with guitar and ukulele. But not simultaneously. He's not exactly Dick Van Dyke here. Think Leadbelly, Tom Waits. Finally, we have The Old Romantic Killer Band. Wild Beasts management insisted that we put them on if the headliners were to play. Had a listen to them and I liked it. A two-piece blues racket that reminded me of Black Keys, only more volatile. Sweet. Should be a good night I reckon. Perhaps I'll make a profit and pay off some debts. Super.
Saturday, 12 January 2008
walking around like an anti-social headless chicken
Yesterday I had to run a few errands for mother. Being the nice guy I am and having other motives and incentives for stepping out, why not? I thought it would be also convenient to stop by at a fancy gym nearby. Walking in, the first thing immediately noticeable is the smacking stench of chlorine of the swimming pool just yards away from the reception desk. I thought 'Now that's a bit of me'.. somehow I walked out as I wasn't quite up to touring the premises. In retrospect, maybe I ought to have done. Can't I follow things through and have a little BACKBONE once in a while??
This morning a few cds came through the post, lovely. Included the new Lovvers single, Lightspeed Champion album, Vetiver remixes and The Boggs album. They'll all be added snugly to my playlist, which at the moment consists of the following:
Pavement - Wowee Zowee, Slanted & Enchanted albums
Burial - Untrue
M.I.A. - Kala
Justice - Cross
Madvillain - Madvillainy
MF Doom (Various)
Wu-Tang Clan, Ghostface Killah, RZA (various)
Mew - Frengers
Von Sudenfed album
Various Dub, Bashment, Ragga
I'm sure there are many omissions from the above list. But no matter. That's what I've been mostly listening to these last weeks. Lots of Myspace stuff too such as These New Puritans, South Central, Laura Groves, Nic Nell, Metronomy, I really could go on here.
Just these last few minutes I've spent googling Asperger's Syndrome for some odd reason. Don't get me wrong, I've had a reasonably good day, Man U won 6-0, we went top of the league and as long as that's the case then my world's a steady Eddie. But I just watched a programme on Channel 4 on a few people who even at middle age have their virginity intact. Maybe my anti-social behaviour from AS is a direct reason for my misreading signals, etc. Could it be that as much as I try not to harbour myself with a label on my forehead, it's no use denying I have a mental disorder, or worse, disability?
In 2 weeks I'll be 24 years of age, I dread to think what will happen on that day. There's an awkwardness I find irksome about special days like I have to 'be' or 'act' a certain way that's alien or unusual. I like routine, I don't like change. Maybe I like being inside my own bubble? Then OK. Fine. I'm a lonesome, mentally disorientated, mid-twenties shy and awkward hermit.
I'm going to watch a couple of films. Night.
This morning a few cds came through the post, lovely. Included the new Lovvers single, Lightspeed Champion album, Vetiver remixes and The Boggs album. They'll all be added snugly to my playlist, which at the moment consists of the following:
Pavement - Wowee Zowee, Slanted & Enchanted albums
Burial - Untrue
M.I.A. - Kala
Justice - Cross
Madvillain - Madvillainy
MF Doom (Various)
Wu-Tang Clan, Ghostface Killah, RZA (various)
Mew - Frengers
Von Sudenfed album
Various Dub, Bashment, Ragga
I'm sure there are many omissions from the above list. But no matter. That's what I've been mostly listening to these last weeks. Lots of Myspace stuff too such as These New Puritans, South Central, Laura Groves, Nic Nell, Metronomy, I really could go on here.
Just these last few minutes I've spent googling Asperger's Syndrome for some odd reason. Don't get me wrong, I've had a reasonably good day, Man U won 6-0, we went top of the league and as long as that's the case then my world's a steady Eddie. But I just watched a programme on Channel 4 on a few people who even at middle age have their virginity intact. Maybe my anti-social behaviour from AS is a direct reason for my misreading signals, etc. Could it be that as much as I try not to harbour myself with a label on my forehead, it's no use denying I have a mental disorder, or worse, disability?
In 2 weeks I'll be 24 years of age, I dread to think what will happen on that day. There's an awkwardness I find irksome about special days like I have to 'be' or 'act' a certain way that's alien or unusual. I like routine, I don't like change. Maybe I like being inside my own bubble? Then OK. Fine. I'm a lonesome, mentally disorientated, mid-twenties shy and awkward hermit.
I'm going to watch a couple of films. Night.
Friday, 11 January 2008
Don't get offended if I seem absent-minded
I always used to criticize those for their forgetful, absent-minded traits. But now, it would appear that I would most likely come up trumps as being the most senile. Damn.
I always have a plan in mind the night before over what I want to add to my diary entries, my plan for the following day ahead and beyond. By the time I've woken up they all cinder into laziness and apathetic meandering. For instance, I read a great recipe for a Thai Green Curry last night in a magazine that I wanted to try out immediately, but have already started losing interest. I had planned to give potential sponsors a phone call follow-up to my email, which incidentally was my first objective of the day, but alas came to no avail. Still, it's 12:57pm and by my reckoning they'll be on lunch break anytime soon. And there's an afternoon begrudgingly going spare. Ace!
Plans for tonight - most likely staying in I suppose. I'm SO broke from last Saturday, and I promised to take someone out for drinks in the next week, I'd feel somewhat besotted with guilt if I didn't fulfill my end of the bargain.
I've also noticed that I'm losing weight, AND toning up my upper body. SUPER-FANTASTIC! One of my New Year Resolutions has been realized! (almost, but don't ruin this moment!!) My arms are a bit more defined as well as my abs.
2008 has been quite fortuitous in the sense that I've had some bits of good luck come my way. Just little victories here and there, can't quite figure exactly what, but I feel good at present time, and morale is equally good. There's a stable state of equilibrium in my well-being, let's just see how long it lasts..
I always have a plan in mind the night before over what I want to add to my diary entries, my plan for the following day ahead and beyond. By the time I've woken up they all cinder into laziness and apathetic meandering. For instance, I read a great recipe for a Thai Green Curry last night in a magazine that I wanted to try out immediately, but have already started losing interest. I had planned to give potential sponsors a phone call follow-up to my email, which incidentally was my first objective of the day, but alas came to no avail. Still, it's 12:57pm and by my reckoning they'll be on lunch break anytime soon. And there's an afternoon begrudgingly going spare. Ace!
Plans for tonight - most likely staying in I suppose. I'm SO broke from last Saturday, and I promised to take someone out for drinks in the next week, I'd feel somewhat besotted with guilt if I didn't fulfill my end of the bargain.
I've also noticed that I'm losing weight, AND toning up my upper body. SUPER-FANTASTIC! One of my New Year Resolutions has been realized! (almost, but don't ruin this moment!!) My arms are a bit more defined as well as my abs.
2008 has been quite fortuitous in the sense that I've had some bits of good luck come my way. Just little victories here and there, can't quite figure exactly what, but I feel good at present time, and morale is equally good. There's a stable state of equilibrium in my well-being, let's just see how long it lasts..
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