Yousif Nur and the pains of being pure at heart..

I'm back..

And am I here to stay? Who knows. A lot's happened, but then not much has happened this past year. If truth be told, I only ever really visit my own blog page to compare myself then to now, as though I were a before and after outcome on some washing powder ad.

I'm still relatively unsure as to why I'm writing up this up, as I feel it's somewhere to let out all my frustrations, thoughts and such jazz. Problem is, I'm not quite sure what it is I'm venting at. Everything and nothing.

It's just one of those days where I want a change in my life, a new outlook, a different path off the supposed beaten track that's been laid out for me. Skip that, because if there was a beaten track in the first place I must've walked right off course quite some time ago.

I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

happy thoughts

Have been prominent in my head in the last few days. What a contrast to the week before, bar Friday that is. Last Friday night's edition of Kicker Conspiracy! went all according to plan. Except for the 2 cds I lost whilst DJing. One of which was a cd-r. Despite that little mishap, The night was a sell-out (didn't sell tickets as such, but was as good as in my book), familiar faces from the January night, and many friends and familiar faces. I've even been referenced already from other clubs starting up that they want something like 'Kicker Conspiracy!'. Already!! I think my job here is done. Wicked live and DJ sets too, I just think that I could've made a little bit more on the night in the way of profit. But I guess there's March huh, and already the response has been phenomenal. Lock 'n' load!

Speaking of which, am planning for March, April AND May at present. Even thinking about an all-dayer in the late summer consisting of singer-songwriters. I think it could work. Why not? Ideas above my station? I'm about to take KC! to another level.

As for life closer to home, it's just as eventful but albeit for the wrong reasons. Every morning since forever, my parents are at loggerheads with each other for reasons that seemingly shouldn't matter. To be honest, I don't know why they're still together after all this time. Me and my younger brother at 18 are all grown up and can look after ourselves in the big bad world. I dunno. And it's not like me and my dad see each other eye-to-eye anymore. Or ever did.

More another time. I've got a roast chicken with my name indelibly written on it. Though not literally mind.

Has it really been a month?

Jeez, I knew that my mind can meander into unknown territory, but this is just plain lazy. In the past 24 hours I've been choking up with tears for different reasons. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'll try as best as I can to jot what I can. Thought I should make an entry as I've much I want to share. As I'm sure I've said in the past, I tend to write when I'm on a downer. Today's been one of those where all my problems come following another, like a conveyor belt of woe, doom and loneliness.

One thing I am sure of is the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster. Watching yesterday's memorial and minute silence brought a tear or two to the eye, especially when the teams came out to the poignant sounds of a sole bagpipe player with a rendition of 'Man United will never die'.

I realise now that I've to come to terms that I have overwhelming debts hanging over me like the most irksome of albatrosses. If not from the record label, on top of that there's a student loan, credit card and overdraft. In London, if you've no penny to your name, you can't have fun, period.

But I think the biggest reason behind my blues, is a girl I'm longing for. Everywhere I go, something really does remind me of her. Let's say her name is Tessa. Not her real name mind, but I'm not about to expose anyone. Ever since we met in November, there's something about her. I can't quite put my finger on the pulse, but I've tried controlling my feelings for so long, I don't know how long I can go on like this. As I type this, I've a desire that's longing, longing for something to happen between us. But there's a matter of professionalism - potentially we've a bit of business that could arise. Skip that, it already has. It's like that final scene in Amelie - where the old man that never leaves his flat records himself on a video warning Amelie that if the love of her life slips away from her, she'll end up lonesome for the rest of her days. I'm at that crossroad now, and I feel so helpless. I can't eat, I failed my last assignment spectacularly and she's always on my mind. I even tried asking her out for dinner a couple of times - Tessa originally said yes, but didn't work out somehow. What if she secretly mocks me behind my back? The line that I predict will be delivered will be 'I really like you as a friend but nothing more..'. Story of my life. I've even resorted to the point where I'm listening to ballads, thinking of nothing else, but her. Literally. I want to tell her 'Look, I can't get you off my mind, I want you so bad' but I can't get a single second alone with her. And the timing is never right either. Just by facial expressions, I can tell there's something there that she feels for me, or maybe I'm just missing something big? Maybe I'm longing for it so much, that I want to believe it can happen and that she feels the same way. I see her again on Wednesday though, so we shall see what happens. Wish me luck.

There's no such thing as a stable state of equilibrium from where I stand. Only extreme highs or lows. Good and bad days. Black and white. Yin and Yang.

I have an interview to conduct with Anton from the Brian Jonestown Massacre tomorrow via a speaker phone. This definitely has its advantages - just watch the movie 'Dig!' to know what I'm talking about. Then it's the turn of Lovvers. They're people I have a lot of time for, and I'm particularly excited to see what their views of my favourite bands are.

This Friday is the second installment of my club, and we've got a band called Wild Beasts playing. Their frontman Hayden has a warbling falsetto that evokes that of Jeff Buckley. Reminds me a little of Orange Juice and British Sea Power (they hark from the same town) actually. Supporting them is a solo artist called The Train Chronicles - a one man virtuoso, replete with guitar and ukulele. But not simultaneously. He's not exactly Dick Van Dyke here. Think Leadbelly, Tom Waits. Finally, we have The Old Romantic Killer Band. Wild Beasts management insisted that we put them on if the headliners were to play. Had a listen to them and I liked it. A two-piece blues racket that reminded me of Black Keys, only more volatile. Sweet. Should be a good night I reckon. Perhaps I'll make a profit and pay off some debts. Super.

walking around like an anti-social headless chicken

Yesterday I had to run a few errands for mother. Being the nice guy I am and having other motives and incentives for stepping out, why not? I thought it would be also convenient to stop by at a fancy gym nearby. Walking in, the first thing immediately noticeable is the smacking stench of chlorine of the swimming pool just yards away from the reception desk. I thought 'Now that's a bit of me'.. somehow I walked out as I wasn't quite up to touring the premises. In retrospect, maybe I ought to have done. Can't I follow things through and have a little BACKBONE once in a while??

This morning a few cds came through the post, lovely. Included the new Lovvers single, Lightspeed Champion album, Vetiver remixes and The Boggs album. They'll all be added snugly to my playlist, which at the moment consists of the following:

Pavement - Wowee Zowee, Slanted & Enchanted albums
Burial - Untrue
M.I.A. - Kala
Justice - Cross
Madvillain - Madvillainy
MF Doom (Various)
Wu-Tang Clan, Ghostface Killah, RZA (various)
Mew - Frengers
Von Sudenfed album
Various Dub, Bashment, Ragga

I'm sure there are many omissions from the above list. But no matter. That's what I've been mostly listening to these last weeks. Lots of Myspace stuff too such as These New Puritans, South Central, Laura Groves, Nic Nell, Metronomy, I really could go on here.

Just these last few minutes I've spent googling Asperger's Syndrome for some odd reason. Don't get me wrong, I've had a reasonably good day, Man U won 6-0, we went top of the league and as long as that's the case then my world's a steady Eddie. But I just watched a programme on Channel 4 on a few people who even at middle age have their virginity intact. Maybe my anti-social behaviour from AS is a direct reason for my misreading signals, etc. Could it be that as much as I try not to harbour myself with a label on my forehead, it's no use denying I have a mental disorder, or worse, disability?

In 2 weeks I'll be 24 years of age, I dread to think what will happen on that day. There's an awkwardness I find irksome about special days like I have to 'be' or 'act' a certain way that's alien or unusual. I like routine, I don't like change. Maybe I like being inside my own bubble? Then OK. Fine. I'm a lonesome, mentally disorientated, mid-twenties shy and awkward hermit.

I'm going to watch a couple of films. Night.

Don't get offended if I seem absent-minded

I always used to criticize those for their forgetful, absent-minded traits. But now, it would appear that I would most likely come up trumps as being the most senile. Damn.

I always have a plan in mind the night before over what I want to add to my diary entries, my plan for the following day ahead and beyond. By the time I've woken up they all cinder into laziness and apathetic meandering. For instance, I read a great recipe for a Thai Green Curry last night in a magazine that I wanted to try out immediately, but have already started losing interest. I had planned to give potential sponsors a phone call follow-up to my email, which incidentally was my first objective of the day, but alas came to no avail. Still, it's 12:57pm and by my reckoning they'll be on lunch break anytime soon. And there's an afternoon begrudgingly going spare. Ace!

Plans for tonight - most likely staying in I suppose. I'm SO broke from last Saturday, and I promised to take someone out for drinks in the next week, I'd feel somewhat besotted with guilt if I didn't fulfill my end of the bargain.

I've also noticed that I'm losing weight, AND toning up my upper body. SUPER-FANTASTIC! One of my New Year Resolutions has been realized! (almost, but don't ruin this moment!!) My arms are a bit more defined as well as my abs.

2008 has been quite fortuitous in the sense that I've had some bits of good luck come my way. Just little victories here and there, can't quite figure exactly what, but I feel good at present time, and morale is equally good. There's a stable state of equilibrium in my well-being, let's just see how long it lasts..

opening night recap

Last night was rather nerve-wracking, unpredictable and a big game of chance with an unlikely hand...

But SO worth it.

Packed to the rafters, people whom I wanted to turn up, turning up! And bands + DJ's playing and doing their bit to ensure all went as smoothly as it can on a Saturday night. Yes siree.

To clarify, here's a rundown of good and bad points:

+ Good crowd
- Took a while to build up
+ Nic Nell's idiosyncrasies and wac-a-day arrangements
- South Central turning up late and crowd reaction being non-existent
+ Able to pay most acts from takings
- Withdrawing a couple hundred from my own pockets to cover extra costs
+ Feedback on folks having a cracking night
- People put off from £6 door entry
+ A night that will go down in history when potential KC! apostles join the force

Overall, I give the night a 7/10. The loss of cash did put a dampener on the proverbial, but lessons were learned for next time around. I even have a line-up pretty much sorted. Well, 1 DJ and 1 act anyhow.

More when I feel like it.

I think that the next person today who makes an attempt to approach me with intimidation or annoyance, I'm just gonna get into a fit of rage. No, skip that, I've already reached that point where I'm practically stewing. Failing that, I might just use that pent up anger and throw it all upon myself in a veritable

It all started at around 5.45pm when a group of boys no older than 16 threw sweets at passers by outside a convenience store. At first I thought there were only a couple of them, and as I wasn't prepared to let something so petty pass by without letting them know how I felt, they decide to chase me down across the street to a bus stop. It was there and then that I found out the magnitude of over-reacting to mere sweet chucking. I must admit, I was a little unnerved by the experience, as to my surprise, I discovered there were SIX of them. The thought did cross my mind that I should start bricking it and expect the worse to happen, and in truth it very nearly did.

Ironically, the perpetrator was the one that kept the peace over the others but they asked whether or not I was in a gang, to which I replied 'No'. Come on, really. Me? In a gang? There's more chance of me being X Factor champ pal. For a split second I might have thought, 'wrong answer.' For no back-up and no reputation on the 'mean streets' of Acton meant a battering, but no, they said everything was cool and walked off. Just goes to show how a situation at any given point can tip for or against you.

I explained this to a mate earlier and he went on about how he'd had previous experiences of far worse scenarios at home and abroad. But now that a few hours have passed and my thoughts and mood are equally calm and collected, it's given me an extra incentive to build myself up physically and mentally. London is as safe as everyone in the media says it is. Yup, not a great deal. Whether fueled by alcohol, disillusionment or boredom, I'm not out to find reasons. What I will say though, is that in Britain, you don't necessarily have to appear to be looking for trouble, sometimes it's thrusted, or in this case, thrown at you. In America for instance, mind your business, walk on, no trouble.

Every time I go out, EVER, I always look over my shoulder. Always. My paranoia sets in and trusts no-one, questions everything and believes nothing its told. That's just the way it is.

I think I'll spend the next few hours listening to Morrissey's odes of loneliness, catered so well for lonesome misfits like me. Maybe even some Joy Division. Nah. Not that extreme.